Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You deplete me
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.