Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You Might Also Like
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.