COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.