Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.