COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.