COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
British people
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Was it something I said?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
prepare for carbonated trouble
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together