Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead