cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.