cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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Arrest that man!
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
☠️☠️☠️
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.