COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
What flavor cupcake are these
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]