COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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Banderslack Clamberdorch
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
#MeanwhileInCanada
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.