Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

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now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.