Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Encore…
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
awkward
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But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Toxic snake
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.