Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.