Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.