cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Girl, same.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
live long and prosper!
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes