Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

shit, they caught us—run!!!

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,