Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone