cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
When someone trying to leave me
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?