cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
You better wish for more oil
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The French cow says MEUX…
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity