Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
