Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.