Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis