cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The news
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready