cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
You Might Also Like
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.