cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
You Might Also Like
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.