Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.