Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.