Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
No flush
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Harsh but fair
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.