Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You Might Also Like
this is the kind of friend i am
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?