ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You Might Also Like
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I thought you said gin.
Either way, make mine a double.
Throwback to this classic tweet from the World Cup. 😂
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?