@heyitsJudeD

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

You Might Also Like

@c12h22o11balls

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

@huntigula

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

@dshack8

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

@moron_online

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

@Tylerosis

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

@Cpin42

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

@JJSummertime

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

@SonOfCha

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?