Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?