Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

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ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample


ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.


“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.


[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?


I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.


5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff


I thought you said gin.
Either way, make mine a double.


Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?