Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Thanks to a fan for this one!

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.