Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working