Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Oh. My. God.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.