Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

😎 🍻

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Dumple

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.