Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
No, I don’t think I will.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person