Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

fly smarter, not harder

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”