COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Tell the colonel to bring it
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”