COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
You Might Also Like
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The cycle continues
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.