COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Lmbo
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question