Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

At an art museum and I thought this was art

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats