Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.