Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

sigh

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

I’M CRYINGGG

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone