COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
💻🤡
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.