Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

Ron is short for Aaronald

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.