Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN