Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29