Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Investing in beetcoin

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere