Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
You Might Also Like
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
2022: I can fix it
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.