Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.