Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

no cat here

repaired

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER