Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

🤣😂🤣😂

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach