Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.