Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

ㅤ

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”