Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!