Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.