Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

This is a whole mood;

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Why does laundry happen to good people?

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.