Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Can’t. About to go please some beans