Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏