Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!