Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
You Might Also Like
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
You’ll be OK
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Damn what did I do next
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.