Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
choose your gary
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low