Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

me irl

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Mad Max: Furry Road

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school