Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’