Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable