Every work meeting this week
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Get off my horse you stupid moon
found my next D&D character name
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
me doing my best
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.