You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”
STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing