@T_Bonezzz

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

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@CantWaitToNap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@Impetermoran

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

@sirchutney

Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@daemonic3

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

@Mr_Kapowski

“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”

@Ygrene

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

@Conchvegas1

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

@Conchvegas1

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

@decentbirthday

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing