Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
And now we wait
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product