Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

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[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this


I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.


[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?


*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?


It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.


1. People
2. Seriously
3. Need
4. To
5. Stop
6. Trying
7. To
8. Predict
9. The
10. Premier
11. League
12. End
13. Of
14. Season
15. Table
16. Just
17. Let
18. It
19. Happen
20. West Ham


That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.


Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out