[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*
ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
20. West Ham
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out