Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy